Xs

During my previous visit, D had just moved out of the temporary accommodation and into his new flat. The contents of the 2 bedroom flat comprised a rented bed, a rented sofa, a rented tv & stand, and a rented coffee table. He had to buy a fridge and a dining set. His things arrived from the port after I left. So when I arrived home last week I had to get accustomed to totally new surroundings as the furniture I had lived with the last visit had been returned.

It is not the new furniture that I find hard adjusting to. It is the fact that he had a life before me (gasp, is that possible??). He has a past. A past so very well documented by the boxes of pictures we were looking through last night. He wanted to show me pictures of his Mum (who passed away a decade ago) and the rest of his family. However, as we went through the boxes and albums, pictures of his X kept cropping up. At first I did not think much of it until it dawned on me that they actually shared 8 years together. I could not ignore those pictures as they also documented 8 years D's life. D looked the same in the pictures and if it were not for the fact that I am not blonde (and not that tall) they could have been any of the pictures we have taken during our travels these last few months. It then got me thinking:

1) Did he treat her the same way he treats me now?

2) Why is he attracted to me when it is quite obvious that we are polar opposites in appearance?

3) He looked happy in the pictures. What went wrong?

4) Does he still love her?

*****

I had to know the answer to the last question. I asked him. He said no. He said that he hadn't been for the longest time but that it was just convenient to stay in the relationship. I can relate to that because I too have been guilty of waiting longer than I should have. I wanted to ask if he would in turn stay with me because he did not like confrontations, but then I stopped myself. I know what I would say if he asked me the same question, and I know that while I am providing the required assurances, I will be thinking that I cannot tell future. I wish I could, but I can't. I wouldn't be able to be 100% honest with him or myself.

*****

It is funny how karma works. I remember not so long ago I was devastated when I found out that my X had a new love. It was, as I was informed by a well meaning friend, not a fling, but a very serious relationship. The shock was exacerbated by the hurt in knowing that when he said he didn't believe in marriage, he meant he didn't believe in marriage to me.

D has admitted that he has not told his X about me. He knows it will hurt her considering her understandably high expectations during the relationship. I should be upset that he has chosen to hide the fact from his X, but I am not. I remember that searing pain when I received confirmation that I was not the one, and it is a feeling I would not wish on my worst enemy. Even possible competition.