D forwarded a list sent to him by one of his students. This guy had compiled and transcribed a list of Doug-isms said over the term. For those of you who do not know the kind of man I married..this will give you an idea of why we stay together. Laughter.

Quotes from Professor DC
Transcribed and compiled by DS
Winter term, 2010

• On regulating PE: When you get into a bar-fight, you don't hit the person who started the fight. You hit the person you hate the most.
• On his handwriting: My wife doesn't let me write the addresses on our mail. Oh no, it's never going to get there! She says.
• Have you seen this HBO video, Right America Wrong? It's horrifying. So many dumb people in this world.
• If you go first, you can get it out of the way, and if people are mean to you, you can be mean to them the rest of the semester.
• I have to grade people relatively. It's like the Tonya Harding thing. If you break your colleague's kneecaps, maybe you'll be better off.
• I don't have any social life. I'm often bored and lonely in my office, so come by and say hello.
• Grading is inherently subjective, so I try to be as fair as possible and assign the highest grades to the person who buys me the most beer. Just kidding, just kidding... just trying to make light at the beginning of the semester.
• I'm sort of averse to using Lotus Notes... it gives me the heebie-jeebies as they say.
• This is our most important course. At least I like to think so.
• I can say two things about myself: I'm getting old.
• I've got two kids, 1 and 3... I've got bags under my eyes. I don't get proper sleep, ever.
• The three f's: friends, family, fools.
• If someone's in a venture-backed company, that's probably the first thing they'll tell you at a cocktail party.
• If you go bankrupt in Austria, they tar and feather you, string you to a pole, and you're a social outcast forever. People don't want to be venture capitalists in Austria; they'd rather have second families and hide them in their basements.
• People say, who cares about Quebec? Which is fair enough. Anyone from Quebec? I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
• I've been going on the Internet a lot lately... I'm not sure why.
• I like this expression, "negative value added," because I have brothers-in-law and sisters-in-law who fit this description.
• By being systematically stupid, you can lose money even when the market is doing well.
• My wife started calling people, she said, oh my god, I met someone who doesn't know what SMS means.
• on Palm's IPO performance: You know how they say there's no free lunch? This is like a free Yacht.
• I tell my students, when you're working at an investment bank, call me and let me have an IPO allocation. . . in 10 years, I haven't received that call.
• I spent a year working at Royal Bank... they give you nice discounts on your mortgages and a free cheqeuing account.
• If you give me ten million dollars for my lunch, I might say wow, Phi Phi Island is calling me.
• If you're like me, you're a greedy S.O.B., and if I have a lottery ticket, you're not getting any of it.
• We spend too much of our time writing papers, but they're not all totally useless, hopefully.
• Excel has a random number generator, and I just went Kaboom! So if you don't like your group, blame Excel.
• In the event of bankruptcy, debt gets paid first. Actually, there's an exception to that— unpaid employees get paid first. Those damn socialists— I'm kidding.
• I'll tell you his first name, not his last name. Bruce. When you think of Bruce, think of his agency problem.
• You can't just put in a contract: "work hard." Then you'd take people to court and say, you didn't work hard!
• I like to think of the multitask moral hazard as the "favourite child" problem. I have lots of brothers and sisters, all older, and that's the source of all my psychological problems.
• On SA&S: Google those guys on a Saturday night when you don't have anything better to do.
• If you offer a fixed wage contract, you're likely to attract lazy people. It's like giving professors tenure.
• Firm D & C have the same risk, but if I can say, firm D is just a crappy one.
• The next agency problem is free-riding. And I just assigned you to group projects! I've had this problem with coauthors, but now that I've been a coauthor with my wife, I probably free-ride on her a lot more.
• You can't put a Tony Soprano-like clause in your contract and say, if you live this company, I break your kneecaps! But you can have vesting provisions.
• I can see Hao's all mad. It's just an example, don't take it personally.
• I don't want Daria to know that I'm as bad a person as I really am, because then she might tell you guys.
• Someone asks you, what'd you learn here? I learned from Doug how to be the worst person possible.
• On trilateral bargaining: I shouldn't think of it this way, but I often do. It's like dating. I'm dating on person, but maybe I'm also dating this person.
• DC: What's window dressing?
CR: Making things look good for a short term performance review?
DC: I was gonna say, window dressing is... my wife! No no, it was me, pre-marriage, in a bar. We're always trying to make ourselves look better than we are.
• Actually, I have sisters-in-law that I'm not too fond of. They're also negative NPV projects of a sort. Made for an interesting Christmas dinner... anyways, that's why I'm so interested in agency problems.
• I promised we wouldn't go to Vegas, but now that I got the money, I’m definitely going to Vegas.
• In general, people aren't going to do things that give a paycheck to someone else.
• With asset stripping, there's lots of fun things you can do. Steal the photocopier, steal the stapler, pay a nice big dividend to common equity holders, invite the Rolling Stones to the Company Christmas part.
• You can think of this as How to Do Bad Things... just don't leave a trail that suggests you know you were at point A.
• I think there's still a law firm in Toronto called Smart and Biggar.
• DC: Any questions?
SD: No dice.
DC: What does no dice mean?
SD: Well, I guess it would be... "no."
DC: Alright. No dice, then.
• Tonight you can go home and watch American Idol or whatever it is you do on a Wednesday night, or you can look at this web page doingbusiness.org. You can do both, actually.
• Adveq sent an expensive bottle of Wine to everyone that gave us information, so we have a biased sample of people that are alcoholics.
• Is that how you spell commitment? It's one of those things guys don't want to learn how to spell.
• If you work for Kleiner Perkins, buy me a beer sometime, that's all I'm saying.
• I feel like I've read too many contracts. I'm going blind these days.
• That's why it's useful to marry your coauthor so to speak. She's read many of these contracts.
• If you're managing your career, write-offs are like an F.
• I drank too much before class. Just kidding.
• Say we know that Rita is a dirty rotten scoundrel. Sorry I'm picking on you there.
• How do you adjust for the contingency that Kiel gets hit by a bus? You know, he's walking around drunk, and something happens?
• You don't pay someone 2 & 20 to invest in publicly traded securities.
• If you're trying to raise money from institutional investors in this market, you should just bend over and take all your covenants.
• That takes us to 2:18. I could tell you a joke for 2 minutes...?
• I think you guys did a great job. Your classmates were nice to you. I think they were worried about the feedback effect.
• You can spend your evening watching American Idol or Lost, or you can spend your time reading about bank regulation.
• Go play in traffic -- I like that.
• It’s like the captain and the crew abandoning ship. Whoa, thank god I’m out of this crappy venture!
• Those are the people who have to quote-unquote “shut up” during the quiet period.
• When the price [of palm] is $168, then stupid people like my brother-in-law are the buyers.
• Bre-X was really exciting in 1997 if you were in the securities regulation business.
• Wow, this my dream: you take a company public, after 65 months hopefully people won't realize how crappy it is, you sell everything and go retire in the Caribbean.
• I myself am not a big socially responsible person at all.
• I'm not French, as you can tell.
• As a taxpayer, you should be saying, "What the—"
• The computer's just thinking about whether it's going to start up today.
• To RG: Where's your partner? We should give her a standing ovation when she comes in.
• You know group work's not going well when...
• The Newfie joke, paraphrased by DS: Guy's never been off the Rock before. Wants to take a vacation, travel agent suggests Spain. Newfie says, hey, I'm a little worried, because I don't speak Spanish. Agent says no problem; if you need someone in Spain to understand you, just speak real slowly. Newfie gets out of airport in Madrid, lost and confused, finds someone to talk to. “Hell..o... I... am... from.. New.. found... land.” Other guy responds, “wow... I... am... from... New... found... land... too...” First guy says, “if... you... are... from.. New... found... land- and- I- am- from- New- Found- Land- then- why- are- we- speak- king- Span- nish?”
• Franz Müntefering has called PE managers locusts... I dunno, something in the spirit of Germans doing crazy things.
• In the industry, everyone knows Franz and they hate him to bits.
• Let's click on Franz. He gives me a headache, looking at him.
• Instead of watching American Idol, as I like to say, you can click on David Rubenstein.
• I have one other Newfie joke I should tell you before we start valuation. Valuation is a bit boring, so… Why do seagulls fly over Newfoundland upside-down? Because it's not worth shitting on.
• We often have physics-envy in finance.
• If you're doing a deal with my brother-in-law, you can probably convince him of something he shouldn't believe.
• The hockey-stick cash flow projection! You look at this and say— bullshit!
• If people shout out BINGO! while you're talking and laugh at you, you might as well leave. You're not going to get money from those people.
• I think for the CFA exam you need to know 100 to 150 ratios? We want to know five. So don't complain, basically.
• When I did the exam, I had to memorize the normal table too.
• I have to apologize for this error. If you do that on your exam, I'm going to have to be forgiving.
• On Dragon's Den, you don't see people pulling out their cheat sheets and saying, how do I do that calculation again?
• I'm not going to test you on something we didn't cover in class. I have this fear; people know where I live.
• Maybe I was drinking before class.
• It's nice to be a creative accountant. Who says accountants are boring people? They're not.
• Why do we like the NPV method? Even my brother-in-law has seen it.
• You probably did Taylor Series in your first undergrad math class. Bringing back fond memories in the front row, I can see.
• ... That equals... negative 11.53. This my friends, is a negative NPV project. This is my brother-in-law.
• Good question. I might just be mean and put that on your midterm.
• Ah, the 10-year cash flow projection. That's also when you start saying... bullshit!
• In the spirit of manipulating my brother-in-law, It's good to know how this is done.
• If g > r forever, the world explodes.
• These are the companies that paid CFA a lot of money to get them to approve their calculators.
• People are like... good god, can't we do Newfie jokes or something?
• The VC valuation method; I like to say uses a tony-soprano discount factor.
• DC: Anyone watch Snowboard cross yesterday?
SD: Yeah, gold medal! You watch hockey?
DC: A bit. Eight-nothing wasn't it?
SD: Yup. You watch curling?
DC: What are you, crazy?
• My brother-in-law is, as you'd say, not the coldest beer in the fridge.
• This is a roughly normal curve. You could say it's a drunk version of a normal curve. No, I promise I haven't been drinking.
• A long time ago, we were all taking these courses where the lectures were all going over the exact same thing. Lack of communication, that kind of thing. Nobody wanted to say anything, and then one guy actually did! We all wanted to pummel him.
• You guys are stuck for life. If you decide finance isn't your shtick, it'll come back to haunt you.
• My brother-in-law has been so good at losing money for me lately. He's such a horrible person, among other things.
• ...I really did go into a bar before coming here.
• As my wife likes to say, I frequently make mistakes. That's supposed to be a joke... I never make mistakes.
• I'm not going to tell you to go to the library instead of watching American Idol to get these papers. Just download them from the internet.
• I sometimes carry my phone around me because I don't like wearing a watch.
• If you go to an investor and ask to read their contracts, they might politely tell you no, they might laugh at you, they might tell you to read between the lines... [shows three fingers]
• Academics do bad things. We're like little children fighting with each other.
• Debt, convertible preferred, dadadadada... my tongue is getting tired, actually.
• I would have yelled at you, but you're hard to blame here.
• These guys in the US— We like to say they're smartest, the biggest, and the best... and the fattest. I shouldn't say that word.
• My social life has been bad for many, many years, so one of the things I do is I go on the internet and see what other people are doing.
• St. Paul Venture Capital. These guys are in Minnesota. If you've ever seen Fargo, you might say they're not sophisticated. I'm from Winnipeg, which is north of there, so I guess I'm really unsophisticated.
• When you go home to your wife or your girlfriend or your dog, you can talk about why buyouts are leveraged.
• I'm from Winnipeg... I really shouldn't make fun of Newfoundland.
• Oh, you're killing me here! Didn't you do super-well on the exam?
• So, should we have class outside, or what?
• As much as I love music-- I mean, I love American Idol, right? I'm finding that very distracting.
• You guys attracted a lot of aggression today. Good job!
• I can't promise I have any music. Next day we can bring in music.
• Yup. Yup. That was -- Yikes! Oh well. Good good good. Okay!
• DC: Is the door open or something?
CR: No, someone's being extremely loud.
DC: I'm just gonna go out and say, "shut the fuck up."

• This would be a great way to steal from someone. If you meet up with my brother-in-law, say hey, join me in this new venture, but I should get priority.
• If you want to be a dirty rotten scoundrel, you've got a lot of tools right now to go kick someone in the teeth.
• Think of it as a marriage contract with cash flow rights and control rights.
• This is partly why I wear glasses. All these stupid documents.
• You're thinking: Doug's handwriting? Fuck that. ...I don't know why I'm in this mood today.
• I think you can guess who I'm talking about, but I'm going to bite my tongue before I say any more.
• I like this word "redemption." Somehow it has religious overtones.
• Your first question might be, "why care about Europe?"
• When I was single, I spent a couple of winters in Amsterdam doing very bad things.
• My typical response in Europe was, get the hell out of my office.
• Any questions before we go on to IPOs? And we figure out how much of a moron my brother-in-law is?
• The prospectus has to protect your grandmother.
• I ask for these IPO allocations, but nobody ever calls me up. I guess I'm not buying enough beer for people in class.
• I don't see any smiles in the room. She [prof. MC] must be hard on you with her derivatives.
• In Japan, people allocate IPOs to politicians. I thought, oh cool, I'll make a slide on that.
• When we finally got a house, I was like, oh shit, I gotta pay for this. How much did I overvalue this house?
• This is the kind of thing that would send the CEO of the issuing company into the washroom vomiting.
• What does this say? Ristribution? I shouldn't have had that drink before I came to class today.
• SD: I'm just curious... which brother-in-law are you referring to?
DC: That's a bit of a tricky question. It's not on my wife's side, I have lots of sisters-- actually, they all married badly. . . this guy bankrupts farmers for a living . . . it definitely makes Christmas dinners a bit trickier. What can geese do, that ducks can't do, but lawyers should do? . . . stick their bills up their ass.
• I love data, so I just want to show you some data.
• Crazy last 20 minutes there. I feel like I was on drugs or something.
• It's simple for me to do the addition. I'm a simple guy, I like simple things.
• The computer needs a cup of coffee here.
• Wow! I get a bunny rabbit umbrella?
• I've met with some of these guys, and boy, are they ever arrogant.
• Let's take our 10 minute break now; you can buy me cookies, coffee, and orange juice, and I'll happily accept it.
• The questions are: do people lie? And, does it pay to lie? These are questions I've thought of since I was three years old.
• If I don't have any data, I can talk out of my butt and say whatever I want.
• I always try to respond to e-mail within 24 hours. All those I get about hair loss, and, uh, other things? I reply to those too.
• You mean, you don't double-star all my e-mails?
• The more beers you buy me, the better you'll do on the exam.
• On Dragon's Den, who knows what they're jotting down. They could be drawing doodles, or they could be doing simple math like this.
• Valuation is not scientific, though you can get people to think it's scientific.
• I think you can watch Lost online. Why I needed to tell you that, I don't know.
• I addition to data, as you know, I like charts.
• If you were to say that to someone downtown, they'd say, what the hell are you talking about?
• You can tell people, on no, the entrepreneur's dog died, his mother got sick, the economy turned bad-- who could have seen that one coming?
• Aw damn, Kiel’s a bit too honest here. Better submit an accurate report to Chris.
• Think like a three-year-old. When do I lie? Well, I lie when people aren't going to catch me out.
• I put up in a German old folks home for three months. This old lady parked herself outside my door every morning and said, "”Guten Tag.” I'd say, “uh, okay, Guten Tag” back to her, and she'd start talking to me in German. I told her, “sorry, don't speak German!” Same thing happened next morning, she says Guten Tag to me, I say Guten Tag back, and she starts talking to me in German. I say “nope, nope, still don't speak German!” This went on for three months. Three months!
• Does dishonesty pay? Yeah, it does, probably.
• Although, don't tell the dean that I said these things.
• I'll put that in my calendar. 2:30, Monday. Subject: Rita's gonna bug me in my office. Just kidding! Just kidding.
• You can call me the night before the exam. I'll be like the suicide hotline.
• If I hand out to many A-pluses, someone from the administration beats me up in my office. If I hand out to many Cs or Fs, people find my address and beat me up at home.